The Darn Tootin’ Tribune

Inside the Saskatoon School Sexual Assault Case

Five children. Ten charges. Eight months of alleged offences. And a school community now left asking what happened.

By Al Swanski — Public Investigator

SASKATOON - There are stories that demand attention because they are shocking.

Then there are stories that demand something more.

This is one of those stories.

A 41 year old Saskatoon man is facing ten criminal charges following an investigation into allegations involving five children at St. Mary’s Wellness and Education Centre.

The charges include five counts of sexual assault and five counts of assault.

Police say the alleged offences occurred between September 1, 2025 and May 25, 2026, involving five victims who were approximately 10 years old at the time.

The Saskatoon Police Service received a report on May 26 and assigned the investigation to its Child Abuse Unit.

Following the investigation and consultation with Crown prosecutors, the charges were laid.

The accused is scheduled to appear in Saskatoon Provincial Court on September 16.

Those are the facts.

But they are not the whole story.

The school

Police initially did not identify the school, describing it only as being in the 300 block of Avenue N South.

That location corresponds with St. Mary’s Wellness and Education Centre, and Greater Saskatoon Catholic Schools subsequently confirmed to media that the allegations involved the school.

St. Mary’s is not simply a conventional school building. It is a Greater Saskatoon Catholic Schools facility that combines education with wellness and community services.

That makes the allegations particularly troubling for the families who entrust children to the institution.

It also makes the unanswered questions more complicated.

The employee

Greater Saskatoon Catholic Schools has confirmed that the accused was a staff member.

It has also made clear that he was no longer working there after the allegations came to light.

According to the school division, it became aware of the allegations on May 25.

The staff member was immediately assigned to work from home pending an internal investigation.

Following what the division described as a brief internal investigation, he was dismissed.

The division says it has cooperated with police.

There is, however, one significant piece of information the school division has not publicly provided.

It has not said what the man’s actual position was.

That distinction matters because several reports have referred to him as a school worker or staff member, while some public discussion has described him as a teacher.

The school division has declined to confirm his staffing role.

Until that changes, the Tribune will call him what the available official information establishes: a former school staff member.

The name

Global News has reported that court documents identify the accused as 41 year old Hessam Aldin Sahrapour.

The Saskatoon Police Service has not included his name in its public news release.

That difference is worth noting.

The Tribune is not going to turn an allegation into a conviction, nor will it manufacture details that authorities have not released.

The charges are serious.

The presumption of innocence is equally serious.

Both facts can exist at the same time.

The timeline

The timeline raises questions without answering them.

Police say the alleged offences occurred over a period stretching from September 1, 2025 to May 25, 2026.

That is nearly nine months.

The police report was received May 26.

The school division says it became aware of allegations May 25 and immediately removed the staff member from the workplace.

Police then conducted an investigation before laying ten charges.

What happened between the first alleged incident and the eventual report is not publicly known.

Neither police nor the school division has released information explaining how the allegations first came to light.

That may be because the investigation and court proceedings make further disclosure inappropriate.

It may also be because the identities and privacy of the children involved must be protected.

Whatever the reason, the public currently has only pieces of the timeline.

Five children

Perhaps the most significant fact in the police release is also the simplest.

There are five alleged victims.

Police say they were approximately 10 years old at the time of the alleged offences.

Their identities are protected, and rightly so.

Nothing about responsible journalism requires publishing details that could identify children involved in an alleged sexual offence.

In fact, responsible journalism requires exactly the opposite.

The children are not the story’s spectacle.

They are the people at the centre of it.

Ten charges

The criminal case consists of five sexual assault charges and five assault charges.

The police release describes the original complaint as involving sexual interference.

Canadian criminal law treats allegations involving children with particular seriousness, but the exact evidence behind each individual charge has not been publicly released.

That means there is currently no responsible basis for reconstructing the alleged incidents or describing details that have not been disclosed by police or presented in court.

There is also no public information establishing whether additional charges will be laid.

That could change as the case progresses.

The internal investigation

This is perhaps where the biggest unanswered questions sit.

The school division says the staff member was removed from the workplace immediately after the allegations came to its attention.

It says an internal investigation followed and the employee was dismissed.

But the public has not been told what that internal investigation involved.

How many people were interviewed?

Were students interviewed?

Were parents contacted?

Were other employees interviewed?

Was the staff member interviewed?

Were police contacted immediately?

Were there previous complaints?

Were there previous concerns about the employee?

Did the division receive any earlier reports involving the accused?

And, perhaps most importantly, did anything exist before May 25 that could have alerted anyone to a potential problem?

At present, there is no public evidence establishing that any previous warning signs existed.

That point is important.

Questions are not evidence.

The Tribune is not suggesting that the school division ignored warnings.

We simply do not know whether there were any.

The answers may eventually come through the court process, further police statements, public records or statements from the school division.

What happens now

The criminal justice system moves more slowly than social media.

That is not necessarily a bad thing.

The accused is presumed innocent unless proven guilty.

Evidence will have to be tested.

The Crown will have to prove the allegations beyond a reasonable doubt.

The defence will have the opportunity to respond.

And the court will ultimately determine what happened.

The next scheduled appearance is September 16 in Saskatoon Provincial Court.

Until then, there will inevitably be speculation.

Some of it will be informed.

Much of it will not.

The Tribune will stick to the first category.

The questions Saskatoon is left with

A case involving five children and ten criminal charges naturally produces questions that go far beyond the courtroom.

How does an institution designed to protect children respond when an allegation involves someone employed inside it?

What safeguards were in place?

What did the internal investigation uncover?

Were there previous concerns?

How are the affected children and families being supported?

And are there lessons that can be learned before another family has to face something similar?

Greater Saskatoon Catholic Schools says supports are available for students and staff affected by the allegations.

That support will matter.

So will transparency, within the limits imposed by privacy laws and the criminal justice process.

Because this story is not ultimately about a headline.

It is about trust.

Parents send their children to school believing that the adults inside those buildings will protect them.

Teachers, educational assistants, administrators and every other employee working around children are entrusted with something that cannot be measured in dollars, test scores or graduation statistics.

They are entrusted with children.

And when that trust is alleged to have been violated, the public deserves facts.

Not rumours.

Not social-media verdicts.

Not anonymous accusations dressed up as reporting.

Facts.

There are already ten criminal charges.

There are five alleged victims.

There is a former school employee.

There is an investigation that began in May.

And there is a court process that has only just begun.

The questions will remain.

So will the presumption of innocence.

And, ultimately, so will the responsibility of the justice system to determine what happened.

The Darn Tootin’ Tribune will continue following the case as more information becomes part of the public record.

FINLAYSON ISLAND GETS A NINJA

Réjean Michaud is fu***ng sick of this s**t and says the n’erdowellers have officially picked the wrong island

By Al Swanski - Former Ninja

THE BATTLEFORDS - Finlayson Island has apparently reached its limit.

Following a string of criminal incidents in and around the island, local martial arts expert Réjean Michaud has decided that somebody needs to do something about the situation and that somebody, apparently, is him.

Michaud says he has spent his entire life training for exactly this moment and is prepared to deploy his nunchucks, bo staff and what he describes as a “plethora of highly specialized ninja equipment.”

“I’m fu***ng sick of this s**t,” Michaud said. “These n’erdowellers have had their fun.”

The latest incident happened September 8 when a female youth allegedly assaulted a person and attempted to steal their vehicle. The victim suffered non life threatening injuries, the vehicle was damaged and the suspect was arrested at the scene.

That follows a 2022 altercation in which a 16 year old was seriously injured on the island, as well as several incidents in 2021 involving a stolen truck, an assault, a police pursuit and an arrest near the island following an alleged indecent act.

Michaud says that is quite enough.

And his proposed jurisdiction extends considerably beyond Finlayson Island.

“I’m talking everywhere around there,” he said. “Battleford. North Battleford. The river. The bushes. Anywhere some sketchy fu**er thinks he can cause trouble.”

Police have not asked Michaud to patrol the area.

Michaud says he couldn’t care less.

“Did the cops ask me? No. Do I need permission? No. I’m a ninja.”

He then reportedly disappeared.

Michaud says stealth will be an important part of his operation and that criminals may never know he is watching them.

“I could be standing right behind you.”

At press time, nobody could locate Michaud.

A suspiciously motionless bush has since been identified as a person of interest.

Michaud says the Battlefords are about to become considerably less hospitable to n’erdowellers.

“Ninjas don’t need fu***ng permission.”

Police have yet to comment on whether they consider the ninja patrol a legitimate crime prevention initiative.

Michaud says he has already appointed himself anyway.

SASKATOON’S SECRET MUSEUM OF THINGS THAT SHOULD PROBABLY NOT EXIST

HAUNTED DOLLS, SHRUNKEN HEADS, BIGFOOT, A TWO HEADED CALF AND A FUR BEARING TROUT ARE ALL HIDING IN A BACK ROOM ON 33RD STREET

By Rusty McSweeney
Senior Investigative Panic Inducer

SASKATOON There is a museum in Saskatoon containing a haunted doll, shrunken heads, a Bigfoot footprint, a mummified mermaid, a two headed calf, a fur bearing trout and a piano playing squirrel.

And apparently nobody thought this was important enough to mention.

Located quietly in the back of Glitch Gifts and Novelties on 33rd Street West, Glitchy’s Oddities Museum has been serving the public since 2018.

Admission is free.

Which seems suspicious.

Because usually when somebody says, “Come into the back room. We have a haunted doll,” there is at least a cover charge.

The museum describes itself as an oddities collection inspired by old fashioned dime museums and roadside attractions, combining strange artifacts, folklore, curiosities and things that make perfectly normal people stop and say:

“What the hell am I looking at?”

The answer, in many cases, is apparently:

“Nobody really knows.”

MEET SOPHIE

The undisputed celebrity of the collection is Sophie, a doll with a history considerably more disturbing than anything a doll should reasonably have.

According to the museum’s story, Sophie belonged to an eight year old girl in the 1800s who disappeared into the South Saskatchewan River.

She is now kept safely encased and restrained.

Because apparently that was necessary.

Visitors have reported strange occurrences associated with Sophie, and the museum says unexplained noises have been heard since her arrival.

Which raises an important question.

Why does Saskatoon have a haunted doll and why is she apparently being kept in the same general vicinity as novelty socks?

This is not how we were taught museums work.

THEN THERE’S BIGFOOT

The museum also contains a first generation cast of a famous Bigfoot footprint discovered in British Columbia.

This means Saskatoon has somehow acquired physical evidence of a creature that science continues to politely pretend isn’t hiding behind a tree somewhere.

You can stand inches away from the footprint and contemplate the mystery of Bigfoot.

Or you can spend ten minutes wondering whether Bigfoot himself has ever been to Saskatoon.

Given the price of groceries, he probably moved back to the bush.

AND THEN THINGS GET WEIRDER

There are shrunken heads.

A mummified Feejee Mermaid.

A creepy ventriloquist doll.

The Missing Link of Manitou Beach.

A piano playing squirrel.

A two headed calf.

A fur bearing trout.

And what the museum calls the World’s Largest Cheezie.

At this point, the Tribune would like to remind readers that all of those things are in the same room.

This is not a list assembled over several centuries by an eccentric European aristocrat.

This is Saskatoon.

THE FUR BEARING TROUT DESERVES RESPECT

Of all the exhibits, perhaps none better represents Saskatchewan than the fur bearing trout.

It is difficult to imagine a more prairie appropriate creature.

A fish that grew fur because apparently scales weren’t doing the job.

Somewhere, an evolutionary biologist just resigned.

WHY IS THIS FREE?

This is perhaps the most baffling part.

Admission to Glitchy’s Oddities Museum is free or by donation.

Free.

You can walk into a novelty store, wander toward the back and suddenly find yourself standing in front of a collection containing shrunken heads and an allegedly haunted doll without spending a dime.

Saskatoon has spent millions building things people don’t visit and then quietly maintains a free museum of horrifying curiosities in the back of a gift shop.

Frankly, this may be the most Saskatoon thing we’ve ever discovered.

THE TRIBUNE INVESTIGATION

After extensive investigation, The Darn Tootin’ Tribune has determined that Glitchy’s may represent the greatest untapped tourist opportunity in Saskatoon.

Imagine the advertising campaign.

COME FOR THE CANDY.

STAY FOR THE HAUNTED DOLL.

LEAVE BEFORE SOMETHING FOLLOWS YOU HOME.

The museum is also apparently friendly and welcoming, which is reassuring because nothing makes you feel safer around a creepy ventriloquist dummy than somebody cheerfully saying, “Let me show you what’s in the back.”

CITY OFFICIALS HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED

The Tribune contacted absolutely nobody at City Hall about whether Saskatoon plans to formally recognize the museum as one of the city’s major cultural institutions.

We assume they are currently busy.

Possibly investigating potholes.

Possibly discussing another committee.

Possibly completely unaware that Saskatoon possesses a museum containing a mummified mermaid.

We find this unacceptable.

The city has public art.

The city has museums.

The city has galleries.

But somewhere on 33rd Street West there is a room containing a two headed calf, Bigfoot evidence and a haunted Victorian doll.

And we’re supposed to pretend that’s not worth talking about?

SASKATOON HAS A WEIRD LITTLE SECRET

That’s what makes Glitchy’s so fantastic.

It isn’t enormous.

It isn’t fancy.

It doesn’t require a guided tour through a $40 million building.

It’s just sitting there.

Behind a gift shop.

Waiting.

A tiny cabinet of curiosities filled with the bizarre, the creepy, the mysterious and the wonderfully ridiculous.

And perhaps that is exactly what Saskatoon needs.

Because in a city where we have become accustomed to potholes, construction, geese and people arguing about traffic circles, it’s comforting to know that somewhere nearby there is a room containing a fur bearing trout.

At least one thing in Saskatoon is exactly as advertised.

Weird.

And honestly, we’re pretty proud of it.

SASKATOON RADIO’S MUSICAL CHAIRS MELTDOWN

WHO’S WHERE, WHY DID THEY MOVE, AND WHO’S HIDING THE DAMN CHAIRS?

By Rusty McSweeney, Senior Investigative Panic Inducer

SASKATOON: Saskatoon radio has apparently abandoned conventional programming strategy and replaced it with Musical Chairs.

The music stops, everybody runs, somebody gets a new time slot, somebody disappears and occasionally an entire radio station gets replaced.

The latest round began when 92.9 The Bull vanished and was replaced by The Grid, featuring Locker, Amanda and Sully.

Meanwhile, Clayton Kroeker, formerly of The Bull, somehow emerged from the smoke at 98 COOL, where he is now occupying the noon to 6 chair.

Coincidence?

The Tribune’s legal department advises us to say yes.

At this point, Saskatoon listeners are no longer simply changing radio stations. They are conducting personnel searches.

Clayton Kroeker is at 98 COOL. Pat Dubois and Jerad Bowes are no longer at The Bull. Steve Chisholm has left the 98 COOL morning chair, while Matt Bradley has retired after an extraordinary 44 years in radio.

Then there is The Grid, which suddenly arrived with an entirely new lineup.

Nobody seems particularly interested in explaining the furniture situation.

One radio insider told the Tribune, “It’s all about strategic synergy.”

Another said, “Budget.”

A third whispered, “Ratings.”

A fourth insisted, “Clayton won a bet.”

A fifth source, who claimed to be hiding inside a station supply closet, told us, “The chairs were getting too comfortable.”

The Tribune has also received reports that management selected some of the new positions using a dartboard.

Another source insists it was a prize wheel.

A third claims a Ouija board was involved.

We have been unable to confirm any of these allegations, although the Tribune has purchased a Ouija board just in case.

Radio consultant Gord Frequency, who may or may not exist, believes the public is missing the bigger picture.

“Once you understand the chairs, you understand the radio business,” Frequency told us.

When asked to explain, he replied, “I can’t. I’m under a non disclosure agreement with the furniture.”

Tribune Public Investigator Al Swanski has been assigned to locate the missing personalities.

His preliminary report reads:

Pat Dubois: Unknown.

Jerad Bowes: Unknown.

Steve Chisholm: Somewhere.

The Bull: Deceased.

The Grid: Suspiciously alive.

The chairs: Highly mobile.

Swanski’s official recommendation is simple.

“Follow the chairs.”

When asked where they were going, he replied, “Wherever the ratings are.”

He then disappeared.

Sources say he was last seen near a 98 COOL vending machine asking if anyone had seen a microphone.

Industry observers expect the musical chairs to continue until every broadcaster in Saskatoon has worked every shift on every station.

By Christmas, listeners may be greeted with:

“Good morning Saskatoon. I’m filling in for the guy filling in for the guy who used to be here.”

The good news is that Saskatoon radio is still very much alive.

The bad news is that your favourite personality may not be sitting in the same chair tomorrow.

So keep your radio presets flexible, Saskatoon.

And whatever you do, don’t get too attached to the furniture.

THE DARN TOOTIN’ TRIBUNE

Saskatoon’s leading source for news, rumours, speculation and completely unauthorized radio furniture analysis.

DIAL ‘M’ FOR MILK TOAST: ARE SASKATOON’S NEW ‘TATTLE PHONES’ FOSTERING EMOTIONAL MATURITY, OR SPAWNING A NATION OF SLIGHTLY FLAKIER SNOWFLAKES?

By Al Swanski - Prairie Panic Inducer

SASKATOON — If you wander through a Saskatoon elementary school these days, you may hear a sound not heard on the Prairies since 1987.

Clack. Clack. Clack.

It’s the rotary dial of a Tattle Phone, a plastic hotline now giving primary students a designated place to unload their grievances without interrupting class.

Someone looked at your banana?

Dial the phone.

Johnny touched your pencil?

Dial the phone.

Someone breathed suspiciously during silent reading?

Apparently, there’s a number for that too.

Supporters say the phones give children a safe way to identify their feelings, calm down and learn to resolve minor conflicts before involving a teacher.

Critics aren’t so sure.

They fear we’re raising a generation that will require a telecommunications intermediary to survive the workplace.

Imagine 2042:

Gord: “Dave, unload those two-by-fours.”

Dave: “I can’t. Your tone made me uncomfortable. I’m calling the workplace Tattle Phone.”

Still, there may be something to the idea. Learning to pause, articulate a problem and decide whether it actually requires adult intervention is hardly a bad lesson.

The Tribune does, however, have one unanswered question:

Who is on the other end of the phone?

A counsellor? A teacher? Or one exhausted administrator sitting in a supply closet documenting a national emergency involving stolen crayons?

THE TRIBUNE VERDICT

The Tattle Phone may be part emotional regulation tool and part training wheels for human interaction.

If it saves teachers from hearing 34 reports before lunch about who farted near the cubbies, it’s a miracle.

But if today’s kindergarteners eventually demand a formal grievance procedure because someone took the last Dunkaroo, we may have a problem.

WEIRD AL’S SECRET SASKATOON STOP FINALLY EXPLAINED

Parody legend ditched the tour, grabbed a bunnyhug and reunited with his oldest Saskatoon pal

By Ray Sinn Tewzkuupov, Public Investigator

SASKATOON, SK — For days, Saskatoon has been asking one question.

Why the hell was Weird Al Yankovic in Saskatoon on Monday?

The Darn Tootin’ Tribune has the answer.

He came to see his old pal Al Swanski.

Yes, that Al Swanski.

According to Swanski, the two have been friends for decades after meeting on the set of the 1989 classic UHF, where Swanski was working as a costume designer.

“We hit it off right away,” Swanski told the Tribune. “After filming we’d kick back with a couple beers and make prank calls. Al was always a hell of a guy.”

Swanski says the friendship continued over the years and the two have always kept in touch whenever their schedules allow.

“He’s Weird Al. I’m Al Swanski. We’ve both got busy lives.”

The mystery surrounding Monday’s Saskatoon visit began when Rock 102 reported that Yankovic had been spotted in town and had gone to the movies wearing a bunnyhug.

Swanski says he knows exactly why.

“He came to see me.”

The two reportedly spent Monday catching up, reminiscing about their UHF days and eventually turning their attention to a shared passion.

Hot dogs and extremely hot hot sauce.

Naturally, Swanski brought Weird Al to his old pal Deadly Dan’s Hot Sauce Grill, where witnesses say an impromptu hot dog and hot pepper eating contest broke out.

“All I know is Al won,” Swanski told the Tribune.

Which Al?

Swanski declined to say.

“I’m not at liberty to disclose that information due to a non disclosure agreement.”

The Tribune has learned the NDA is believed to contain several clauses, including one prohibiting either Al from revealing who cried first and another concerning the unauthorized consumption of a pepper described by witnesses as “legally classified as an event.”

As for the movie they watched, Swanski isn’t talking.

“I’ll never tell.”

He then reportedly added, “Although it was better than UHF.”

The Public Investigator ended the interview immediately.

One thing, however, is now clear.

Weird Al Yankovic wasn’t simply passing through Saskatoon.

He came to see an old friend, eat some dangerous hot dogs and apparently lose his ability to identify his own taste buds.

And folks, you heard it here first.

The Darn Tootin’ Tribune.

THE BANJO GRUDGE IS DEAD

WESTWOOD GOES FROM ENEMY NO. 1 TO RIDER NO. 1

By Al Swanski, Head Receiver
The Darn Tootin’ Tribune

After 23 years of banjo fueled hostility, Saskatchewan has finally reached the only logical conclusion.

Troy Westwood was an as***le. But he was our kind of as***le.

The former Winnipeg kicker went from Bombers legend to Saskatchewan Enemy No. 1 in 2003 after describing Rider fans as a bunch of “banjo pickin’ inbreds.”

It was possibly the greatest insult ever delivered to a province that considers owning a banjo a perfectly respectable reason to cancel Saturday night plans.

But time heals all wounds.

Apparently so does putting the bastard in a green jersey.

According to the completely legitimate and absolutely not made up negotiations taking place somewhere between Mosaic Stadium and a Co Op parking lot, Westwood wanted a two game deal.

“I figured if I’m coming back, I might as well kick Labour Day and the Banjo Bowl,” Westwood reportedly said. “I’ve still got a few good kicks left.”

Upper management reportedly considered the proposal.

Then looked at his age.

Then looked at his hamstrings.

Then looked at the insurance paperwork.

“No fu***ng way.”

“So I’ll take what I can get,” Westwood replied.

At 59, Westwood’s return to professional football would require some minor adjustments.

His forty yard dash has reportedly been replaced with a forty yard wander.

His stretching routine now consists of carefully getting out of a chair.

And team doctors have advised him to avoid sprinting, jumping, sudden movements, uneven pavement and anyone yelling “GO!”

Still, none of that matters.

Because Saskatchewan has finally forgiven him.

The banjo grudge is dead.

The insult has become folklore.

The enemy has become family.

And the man who once mocked Rider Nation may soon be wearing the most controversial No. 1 jersey in Saskatchewan history.

From Enemy No. 1 to Rider No. 1.

Honestly, Saskatchewan could not have scripted it better.

Except Saskatchewan would have given him a two game contract.

And made him kick.

Welcome home, Troy.

Your jersey is ready.

Your number is waiting.

Your banjo is tuned.

Your hamstrings are heavily insured.

And management has one final message:

Enjoy Labour Day, Troy.

You’re not kicking.

Not even if the game goes to overtime.

PETER D’S LAST CALL

Saskatoon nightlife pioneer Peter Danabassis leaves behind a city full of memories

SASKATOON — Long before smartphones could tell Saskatonians where to eat, drink or hear live music, Peter Danabassis already seemed to know where everybody was going.

Danabassis, a Greek-born restaurateur, nightclub operator and music promoter who helped shape Saskatoon’s hospitality scene for decades, died Aug. 28 at the age of 85.

Born on the island of Hydra in 1940, Danabassis arrived in Saskatoon in 1959 at age 18. He would go on to become one of the familiar names behind some of the city’s best-known restaurants and entertainment venues.

Among them was Club Dominic, where Danabassis helped bring live entertainment to Saskatoon during an era when booking a major band involved considerably more than sending an email and hoping for a reply.

Then came Peter D’s.

In 1986, Danabassis and his wife, Margaret, purchased the former Olympia operation on 8th Street East and transformed it into the restaurant that proudly carried his name.

And Peter D’s was about as subtle as the man himself.

No corporate branding. No focus groups. No mysterious spelling.

Just Peter D’s.

Everybody knew where it was.

Over the years, Danabassis would be associated with a long list of Saskatoon hospitality ventures, including the Colonial Pub and Grill, Venice House, the Copper Mug, Champs and Prime’s Steakhouse.

But his legacy wasn’t simply measured in restaurants.

It was measured in people.

Danabassis was deeply involved in Saskatoon’s Greek community and became known as a “Greek Ambassador” through his involvement with Folkfest. He was remembered for his quick wit, charisma and generosity, with his home often welcoming friends, family and people who needed somewhere to gather.

That may be the most fitting way to remember him.

Because Saskatoon nightlife was once less about apps, reviews and reservations — and more about knowing a place where you could walk through the door and inevitably run into somebody you knew.

Peter Danabassis helped create many of those places.

The signs have changed. The buildings have changed. The price of a beer certainly changed.

But the stories remain.

So, Peter, thanks for the food, the music and the memories.

The final last call has been made — but in Saskatoon, the Peter D stories aren’t going anywhere.

MARTENSVILLE’S YOUNGEST TYCOON

Ten year old builds frozen empire before most children remember to charge an iPad

By Al Swanski, Head Receiver

MARTENSVILLE — The balance of economic power in Saskatchewan shifted this summer when ten year old Gus Fandrich climbed aboard an electric freezer bike, activated his Square payment terminal and began rolling through Martensville with enough frozen inventory to destabilize every allowance in town.

Operating under the increasingly powerful banner of Gus’ Sweet Treats, the young entrepreneur has combined the nostalgic charm of an old fashioned ice cream bicycle with the cold efficiency of a modern delivery corporation.

He has an electric motor. He accepts electronic payments. He broadcasts his location by GPS. He carries Dole Whip.

At ten years old, Gus has developed a more advanced distribution network than several provincial agencies.

The idea began at a Warman Wolverines hockey game, where Gus spotted an old Dickie Dee style freezer bike. After his father, Jason, explained what it was, Gus asked one simple question.

“Can I do that?”

Together, they built their own version using a freezer, inverter, electric motor and throttle. Gus then added compartments for pop and chips, transforming a humble bicycle into a rolling convenience store capable of emptying every piggy bank within four blocks.

Today, the sight of Gus turning onto a street can trigger scenes normally associated with royal visits and emergency evacuations. Children pour from backyards, screen doors fly open and parents begin desperately searching for their wallets.

Gus says the screams can be heard from blocks away.

Financial experts call this organic marketing.

His inventory includes Drumsticks, Reese’s treats, Klondike sandwiches, Oreo cookie sandwiches, SpongeBob and Minions bars, Creamsicles, Fudgesicles, Revellos, Kit Kats, Dole Whip and bubblegum snow cones.

Realizing that few people carry cash anymore, Gus and his father purchased a Square payment system. Martensville children can now buy a SpongeBob bar using the same financial technology their parents use to purchase lumber.

The bike is also equipped with GPS tracking, allowing customers to follow Gus online. Residents no longer have to stand silently in their driveways listening for bells. They can watch him advancing through Martensville at approximately one melting Fudgesicle per minute.

The company serves as many as 100 customers on busy days and operates mainly on Fridays and weekends, presumably because Saskatchewan regulations still require its chief executive to attend elementary school.

The operation does have one weakness. The electric bike must be charged, and Gus occasionally forgets.

“If the battery dies on me, it’s gonna be a long way to the car,” he admitted.

Despite this vulnerability, Gus is already planning his expansion. He hopes to build more bikes and eventually enter Saskatoon, Regina, Red Deer and Edmonton. His long term goal is to purchase a full sized ice cream truck.

Asked what he intends to do with his profits, Gus did not mention toys, video games or the construction of a backyard waterslide.

He is saving for college.

Beneath the GPS tracking, payment terminals and interprovincial ambitions is a much simpler motivation. Gus says he enjoys meeting people and making them smile.

And that is exactly what he is doing.

In an age when almost everything arrives through an app, Gus has brought something wonderfully old fashioned back to the neighbourhood: a bicycle, a freezer full of treats and children racing down the street beneath the Saskatchewan sun.

So if the distant sound of excited screaming begins moving toward your house, remain calm.

That is not an emergency.

That is Gus entering your market.